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Funny quotes - Sayings to spice up your day By : lopazski Humor is one of the most difficult things to define. What is funny to one person may very well be insulting to another. A child will find something hilariously funny while the parent gets more enjoyment out of the amusement of the child than from the joke. Love quotes - Adding Romance to Your Life By : lopazski The subject of love may be one that is written about more than any other around the globe or throughout history. The great romantic poets such as William Shakespeare and Elizabeth Barrett Browning are prime examples of stating love quotes in timeless language. Make Money Blogs By : Dmitrijs23 Kononovs32 How to Make Money on Blogs It is well established a fact that the invention and subsequent application of the internet technology has proved rather revolutionary in changing almost all the aspects associated wit hour day to day lives. Several basic things in life have attained newer dimensions. Everything today is either directly or passively related to internet application. Comedy and Comedians By : Rodger Jackman Funny business inc specialize in Clean corporate comedy, and have been filling venues with laughter for over 30 years. Funny Business Inc. has been Canada's largest talent agency and exclusive representative of Yuk Yuk's On Tour from Western to Eastern Canada. The debate for and against doctor’s excuses By : Matthew21 Markey21 The debate for and against doctor’s excuses In the US, more and more people are buying doctor excuses just to get some time away from their jobs and schools. Typically, a doctor excuse gives the reason for someone missing some important thing at work or school, perhaps a meeting with a client, or a final exam. How To Tell When You’ve Been On Too Many Cheap Holidays In Spain… By : If you want to have a really good time, enjoy the sun and yet not put too much of a hole in your bank balance, you simply cannot do better than a spur-of-the-moment, cheap Spanish holiday. The country has a huge amount to offer and is very welcoming to us visitors. However, once you’ve got into the swing of things and become a regular Spanish holiday maker, there are a number of important things to remember when you return from your latest cheap holiday in Spain - those ha... Social Network By : Dmitrijs23 Kononovs32 Make Money Blogs We all know how the internet technology is altering the entire concept of making money with the passage of each single day. Don’t we? Fast fading are the days of some traditional brick and mortar building with umpteen numbers of employees. A single person today can make rather incredible amount of money going online. Only that, you need to know the right avenues and utilize them accordingly. There are several make money blogs, for instance, that are great options to make money online. Different make money blogs employ different techniques with the intent of making some fast money. The techniques are many. However there are a few basic ways that are commonly employed for the make money blogs. Free weekly horoscopes By : Stuart123 Often when we are offered something for free, we get what we pay for. That is, nothing. This is not the case with Free Horoscopes coz. We research the stars and the planet movements putting together astronomers comments to bring you the best free weekly horoscopes. It is our belief that a free horoscope service should be available to everyone which is why we provide the service for free on the internet, by email each week to subscribers for free, by RSS for free and on just about any mobile pho Squat Toilets Are Not Meant For Women Over 30! By : At my age I thought I'd seen it all. But, after living in Thailand for a year I gave thanks to my mother for seeing that I was potty-trained in the good ole' U.S. of A. A few days after arriving in Bangkok, I was shopping at Robinson's Department Store. I'd been having some bladder problems, and as many 50-something women find, their lower internal organs begin to drop, droop, sag, bag and demand attention; and we don't ignore it when we feel the familiar sign of wet knick... Make Believe or Real - It all happens here By : Alpine If you are one of those who rushes home from work because it is time for X-files, or your favorite movie, Alien is being screened, then UFO's and paranormal activities must interest you a lot. Earlier, people would go to libraries to look for information on these aspects, and there weren’t many references available since very few believed in these supernatural powers. But today, with the advancement in technology and the introduction of Internet, anything and everything can be found on the web w Call Of The Mall--The Seasons Of Shopping By : My wife and 15 year-old daughter are shopping addicts. It’s unquestionably their favorite way of mother-daughter bonding. By comparison, a request from me to my daughter to go for a hike, my favorite way of father-daughter bonding, is met with rolling eyes and the inevitable question, “How long will it be?” My daughter has been under the tutelage of my wife since she was three and was awarded her Master Shopper Certification at age 11 years, 1 month, 2 days, just a two months... Strange and Uncanny: Why and How By : Rammy Johnson Have you ever wondered about the thin line dividing fiction and fact? Come in, read the twenty facts offered, and decide for yourself whether they are fact or fiction. The Embarrassing Incident With The Volvo Keychain By : Have you ever had your car stolen? It is a gutting experience, especially when it’s your fault! Now, I can imagine you asking, how can a stolen car ever be the owners fault? In answer to that question, I shall tell you a little story. I am a terribly forgetful person! I am forever leaving my keys in shops, the car, lying around the house. On this one particular occasion, I made the somewhat catastrophic mistake of leaving the keys in my front door when I entered my house f... Finding The Right Joke To Tell By : Laughter is the best medicine and a great icebreaker for a first date, as a sense of humor is as the number one turn-on for many women. But it's one thing to have a great sense of humor, it's quite another to have everyone in stitches. Well, look no further. Drop the rubber chicken and whoopee cushion, cause it's time to really be funny. Ease up on life and yourself; get used to taking things with a grain of salt. See the humor in situations; you'll see that most situatio... Holiday Humor By : - My friend mentioned that he and his wife are taking out a home equity line of credit to buy Christmas presents. Isn't that a little crazy? Instead, my wife and I agreed that we're limiting our spending to what we have -- our existing home equity line of credit. - Another friend says he's disturbed by the over-emphasis on gift giving around Christmas. So this year he's taking a different approach. He's focusing on gift receiving. - A compliment better left unsaid: Marv... Fonejacker - New comedy genius By : wayne metcalfe If you have not had a chance to look at the latest Channel 4 series fonejacker, but seem to come across it where ever you go, here is a quick overview of the super hit series. Fonejacker is a television series that follows the exploits of the multi-talented actor Kayvan Novak, as he makes prank calls to people all over the UK. Each fonejacker episode begins with definition of fonejack which is defined as “seize control of a telephone conversation by farce esp. to divert it from reason and logic”. Of course, since fonejacking is all about making prank telephone calls, the telephone conversation is usually accompanied by on screen animations that look similar to a Monty Python cartoon. Puffy Wet Lips By : There's this guy who lives across the street from us who we have renamed Wet Lips. When we are in a really lighthearted mood, we refer to him as Puffy Wet Lips. This gomer is in his late 60's to early 70' and has a body like Mr. McGoo and lips like Angelina Jolie's. I mean they are two huge puffy red and unnatural things that look like a pair of slugs. I keep waiting for them to take off in a race around his little head at any moment. Actually, he looks more like that toady l... I Was Just In The Middle Of A Dream By : I was dreaming. I was eating Carnitas. They were very good Carnitas. The waitress was about to bring me another heaping plate of deliciously fatty, artery-clogging Carnitas when I heard tom-toms. The drums had a driving beat that if you weren't dreaming; the sound would make you want to murder someone to make them stop. You might even devise a hideous homicidal act in your head that, though you would never carry it out, would make you feel immensely better (I need therapy). ... Scary Movie Trivia Questions And Answers By : 1. If you are a teenager living on Elm Street what should you never do? A. Go to sleep B. Play with dolls C. Go to the prom D. Have sex A. Go to sleep TOPICS: We all know from "Nightmare on Elm Street" that your dreams can get you killed by Freddy Krueger. Written by Craven, a former English teacher, the film's premise is the question of where the line between dreams and reality lies. The villain, Freddy Krueger, exists in the "dream world" and yet can kill in the... My First Trip To Destin Florida By : Tony Isaacs Have you ever been to Destin, Florida? I love the white sand beaches, moderate climate and beautiful clear blue ocean there, although it's a much more touristy kind of place than it was about 30 years ago when I first went there with my father, step mother, half-sister, and other family members. I remember that we checked into this one and a half star motel right on the beach, next door to a new circular tower motel which had a revolving restaurant on the top. Made my step-mo... Sweet Free Trivia Question And Answer Fun By : 1. Chocolate is made from cocoa beans. But where do cocoa beans grow? A. On trees B. On bushes C. On vines D. On roots A. On trees TOPICS: Cocoa beans come from cacao trees that grow in tropical regions of the world 2. During World War II, production of Hershey’s Kisses was halted. Do you know why? A. Chocolate shortage B. Sugar shortage C. Aluminum foil shortage D. Hershey's produced rations instead of candy during the war C. Aluminum foil shortage TOPICS:... Useless Facts And Fun Trivia Questions And Answers By : Question: Which is stronger -- concrete or bone? Answer: Bone Useless Fact: Human bones can actually resist 40 times more stress than concrete. Don't believe it is true? Then picture a piece of concrete the size of a bone and imagine how easily it would break. Question: What bird lays its egg in another bird's nest? Answer: Cuckoo, Cowbird, Whyda, Honeyguide and Black-headed Duck Useless Fact: These birds, called brood parasites, lay their eggs in another bird'... Humorous Thought For The Day - How I Write Funny Lines On A Daily Basis By : Imagine a web site where you go on a daily basis to see a humorous thought for the day. Better yet, what if that site delivers the humorous thought for the day to your email? And what if instead of providing stale, you've-heard-it-a-thousand-times-before humor, that site provided fresh, baked-daily humor created on-site in their in-store ovens? Well ... that's the project I've taken on. And it's turning out to be quite the challenge to keep up with baking all those d... Humor Ability To Apply Humor To Any Situation By : Some people are natural comedians because they have the amazing ability to apply humor to any situation. They do not have to put much effort behind the ability they have either and doing it is not an act at all. It is a gift that they were born with and sometimes there are many people who begin to wish that they were not blessed with such a gift. The ability to apply humor to any situation seems uncontrollable at times, and at the worst moments they will find themselves cr... Environmental Link Creates Kitchens Of Tomorrow – Creating The Eco-friendly Home Appliance By : Accessible technology, restaurant-style quality and high-end design are emerging not merely as trends, but requirements for today’s home enthusiasts. Add to that the desire for design and home appliance choices that reflect environmental sustainability and it’s clear that the kitchens of tomorrow have a lot to live up to. The Kitchen Rises to the Occasion In the past, the kitchen served a utilitarian role where people gathered for the basic purpose of cooking and eatin... 4 Tips To Know When You Need To Find A Plumber By : Some of these plumbing problems are simply too overwhelming and difficult for us to deal with on our own. Even if you think you can do the work yourself, in the messy end that has to come, you will be glad you called a professional to get the job done properly. However, since hiring a plumber is something that a lot of us have little experience in, here are four things that might be good to know when you want to find a plumber who will get the job done right and at a fair pr... Adventures In Wally World--The Saga Continues By : I must be a glutton for punishment. Think I can conquer the monster known as Walmart. Men are thick headed. There ladies I said it. We think we can conquer, fix, or figure out anything. Then we wonder why women go to the bathroom together! To talk about the stupid things their men do! Why do I go to Walmart? Well, where I live it is the closest and only place that is open after midnight. You would think it would be very easy to get in and out of there. Ummm, no, not whe... Adventures In Wally World By : I went to walmart 2 nights ago and had a very fun experience. I was going there for a chocolate cake. Cash in hand and ready to rock. That is it. Chocolate cake. Then....my wife calls me and asks me to check her friend's bridal registry and get a bed set for her that is on her list. So, I automatically start drooling and doing the duuuuuuhhh thing. Since it is midnight, I ask a cashier where the registry "machine" thing is. She tells me go to the customer service desk and ... How To Avoid Overeating By : From a formal dinner to a grilled food cookout overeating is the most disastrous thing you could do. Overeating seems to be one of our favorite past times and it shows. In a health –conscious world no one seems to see the importance of knowing what is in the cuisine they are eating. It is increasingly important to know that zeal for food does not mean to eat everything is sight. Know the nutritional information that will help you deal with the dangers of over indulging.... Living In Mexico With Lenny And Bubba By : I have the very worst luck with getting wrong-number phone calls, no matter what country I live in. Believe me, when we moved to Mexico, the problem didn't get any better. When we lived in Overland Park, Kansas, the wrong numbers started the very day we moved in and had our phone connected. Someone, no, I mean thousands of people, began calling for Air-Tech Technologies. The company title is a redundancy, I know, and perhaps that's why at least seven countries were hunting... The Infamous Donut - Make Your Mark By : Close your eyes and think back to the 60's and 70's. Remember the high-spirited drivers that bought and drove the muscle cars? This may help - - Donut: Definition - Circular design produced on a road surface by a vehicle's tires when they are rotating with a greater angular velocity than the road under them. As the name implies, the basic shape is round but many options exist. In fact, even the straight burn out has been called a donut. Spirals, checkmarks, hooks, swe... Interesting Facts And U.S. Presidential Details By : 1. George W. Bush is the 43rd president. How many presidents have there been? A. 41 B. 42 C. 43 D. 44 B. 42 TOPICS: There have only been 42 presidents. Grover Cleveland was elected for two nonconsecutive terms and is counted twice as the 22nd and 24th president. 2. Who was the oldest man to ever hold office as president? A. George Washington B. Woodrow Wilson C. Dwight Eisenhower D. Ronald Reagan D. Ronald Reagan TOPICS: By the end of his presidency in... Spy Camera Glass: A Camera In Your Cornea By : Nahshon Roberts We're a society ruled by plastic and convenient shopping. The days of "Dodgy Dan's Emporium of Spurious Imports" are long gone, replaced with the clean convenience of web-based comfort and purchasing ease. Come to think of it, you can pretty much use your parents' or partner's credit details to buy anything from Mace to Tazers, from nanchuks to nightsticks and from night vision goggles to spy camera glasses. I Spy Spy camera glasses are fixtures of spy movies. The only ... A Conference Call Guide For The Jekylls And The Hydes By : Nahshon DeMore You can't be an office worker and not know what a conference call is. After all, a conference call is as inevitable to office life as reports and promotions. In fact, the more geographically dispersed corporate teams are and the costlier the travels, the more important a conference call becomes. Conference calls fall under the bracket of social interaction. As such, there are rules of etiquette that have to be followed. Tips for Mr. Hyde If you want to lose credibility ... What Is Wordpress By : Hazel Leong What is WordPress? – Blogging Made Fun, Fast, and Easy There is absolutely no reason to deny the fact that blogging one of the most popular activities in the world today. Just a decade ago, posting your diary online was considered insane, but now it is clearly becoming the craze among today’s overwhelming population of netizens. Not only have people discovered blogging to be a fun way of releasing and expressing oneself to the world, many enterprising individuals have als... Sex, Stalking And NLP Training By : Andrew Austin After allowing for time zone changes and jet lag, I had one day spare to see the sights before the NLP training began. As there was a choice of theme parks to attend and a lot of shopping malls to see, I was up early that day. By 7am, I am experiencing my first “all you can eat” breakfast for less than 4 dollars. Needless to say, I made sure I got my money’s worth, read the paper, drank a bladder full of tea and after taking tourist advice from the helpful restaurant staff I ... Trivia Teaser Online: Free Trivia Questions And Answers By : Deanna Mascle - Trivia Question: What is the deepest part of the ocean? Trivia Answer: Marianas Trench Trivia Teaser: Challenger Deep in the Mariana Trench is the deepest point in Earth's oceans. The bottom there is 35,840 feet below sea level. If Mount Everest, the highest mountain on Earth, were placed at this location it would be covered by over one mile of water. The Challenger Deep is named after the British survey ship Challenger II, which discovered this deepest location in 1951... Interesting Facts: Scare Crow Trivia Questions By : Deanna Mascle - 1. What is a scarecrow? A. A device to scare birds B. A device to keep farmers company C. A device to motivate gardeners D. A device to entertain visitors A. A device to scare birds TOPICS: A scarecrow is a device (traditionally a mannequin) that is used to discourage birds such as crows from disturbing crops. 2. Why is it a scarecrow instead of a scarebird? A. Crows are more easily frightened B. Crows are not easily frightened C. Crows are the biggest prob... 6 Ways To Settle Fee Disputes With Your Lawyer By : Aaron Brooks The most common dispute between lawyers and clients is that of fees. Somehow money becomes a bone of contention and things do get nasty with both parties refusing to budge an inch. Free Trivia Questions And Answers: For The Birds By : Deanna Mascle - 1. Which is not a group term for birds? A. Flock B. Flight C. Volery D. Swarm D. Swarm TOPICS: Various insects can collectively be called a swarm but not birds! 2. Which of these is a fear of birds? A. Alektorophobia B. Astraphobia C. Ornithophobia D. Ouranophobia C. Ornithophobia TOPICS: Although alektorophobia was close, that is a fear of chickens! Astraphobia is the fear of lightning and Ouranophobia is the fear of heaven! 3. Is one of these birds NOT... Fun Online Trivia Game Questions And Answers By : Deanna Mascle - Question: Infants have more or less number of bones than adults? Answer: More Trivia Teaser: A baby's body has about 300 bones at birth. These eventually fuse, or grow together, to form the 206 bones that adults possess. Question: What are the holes in Swiss cheese called? Answer: Eyes Trivia Teaser: In order to make cheese you need bacteria. Propionibacter shermani is one of the three types of bacteria used to make Swiss cheese, and it's responsible for the ch... SEO - Article Marketing Is Out - Link Baiting Is In By : Chris Angus Article marketing is yesterday, Link Baiting is tomorrow, this is the future. The majority of SEO campaigns have involved article marketing , this was okay until recently. The problem with article marketing is that it produces links quickly. However, the links fall into the “Link Spam” category and too many article links will actually do your site more harm than good. Link Baiting on the other hand, is far easier, quicker and more effective than article marketing. So... Culinary Challenge From Fun Trivia By : Deanna Mascle - Questions: 1. One of the world’s oldest cultivated vegetables, this member of the lily family was considered sacred by ancient Egyptians, as valuable as gold in the Middle Ages, and a vital food for many historical military commanders on land and sea. Can you name this vegetable? A. Onion B. Carrot C. Leek D. Garlic 2. Which domesticated fowl was originally native to Southern Ontario, parts of the U.S. and Mexico before being domesticated by Indians and brought to E... Trivia Questions And Answers From A Trivia Break By : Deanna Mascle - Questions: 1. What is the primary language of most residents of Montreal? A. English B. French C. Canadian D. Montrealese 2. During what century was swimwear revolutionized? A. The 20th century with the birth of the bikini B. The 19th century with the transition from swimming as therapy to swimming as recreation C. 18th century when lead weights were sewn into the hems of bathing suits D. 4th century when the first two-piece bathing suit was featured 3. When ... Winter Wonderland Trivia Quiz By : 1. Which is NOT a fact about winter in the animal kingdom? A. Some species of domesticated dog turn white in the winter. B. Mountain goats with their luxurious 3-inch long winter coats can endure winter temperatures as low as minus 50 degrees Fahrenheit and powerful winds up to 100 mph. C. The male moose sheds its antlers every winter and grows a new set the following year. D. The weasel and the ermine are the same animal. The only difference is the brown coat of the weas... Trivia Questions From Trivia Teaser Online By : Deanna Mascle - Question: Which country is the oldest on earth? Answers: San Marino Trivia Teaser: According to tradition, San Marino is known as the world's oldest republic. The tiny republic was founded by a Christian stonemason named Marino (or Saint Marinus) on September 3, in the year 301 C.E. Question: Which continent is the largest? Answers: Asia Trivia Teaser: Asia is the largest and most populous continent or region, depending on the definition. It covers 8.6 percent ... Fall Into Action By : Deanna Mascle - 1. What American city is recognized as the cradle of modern professional football? A. Canton, Ohio B. Chicago, Illinois C. Muncie, Indiana D. Rochester, New York A. Canton, Ohio QQ: Today, Canton is recognized as the cradle of modern professional football. The Pro Football Hall of Fame, dedicated in 1963, is located there, but the real reason is that a 1920 meeting led to the formation of the American Professional Football Association. 2. The English organized th... The Invention Of Water And Air Creatures; Second Half Of Part Six, The Invention Of Everything By : Tom Attea “I’ll go along with that. You were talking about developing a way for the creatures in the water to breathe. How’d you manage that?” “Gil had an insight, so we call it gills. Let me take this little fella out and demonstrate for a moment. Excuse me, he’s kind of feisty. Got ya! OK, now look here. See these little red things just behind its head.” “Yeah. Those the gills?” “Right.” “How do they work?” “The fish uses its mouth and these flaps to move water over th... President Of Iran Questions Iran’s Right To Exist By : Tom Attea With a surprising salvo of bravado, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has asked the provocative question, “Does Iran have a right to exist?” In the startling speech, he warned Western nations, especially European ones, that they will be hurt if they continue to insist that Iran should not be wiped off the map. And, during a national radio address, he hinted, “You should know that the rage of people is boiling hot enough to poach a dozen pigeon eggs and is like an ocean... Three Turban Monte; Bush And Rumsfeld Find Themselves Playing A Real Sucker's Game By : Tom Attea We all know the story of the rube who gets sucked into a game of Three-Card Monte on Fifth Avenue and watches his bets disappear in the pockets of the quick-handed sharpie at the folding card table. And what do we have in the Middle East now but a variation of the same obvious sucker’s game, which we choose to call Three Turban Monte? Can you pick the Medieval headgear under which we can hope to find a winner? Or are we bound to be snookered? On one end, we’ve got the t... Monstrous Trivia By : Deanna Mascle - 1. The Abominable Snowman, Yeti, Bigfoot, and Sasquatch appear in one form or another in which epics? A. Ancient Sumaria epic B. Russian literature C. Anglo-Saxon literature D. Greek mythology E. All of the above E. All of the above TOPICS: The “wild man of the woods” is a familiar figure in folklore from Enkidu of the Gilgamesh Epic, the Russian leshiy, Grendel in the Anglo-Saxon epic Beowulf, and Silenus and the satyrs in Greek mythology. Contemporary reports are... Learning From Mistakes: Terrible Superhero Costumes By : Jordan Marston If you are getting ready for Hallowe’en or just getting dressed in the morning, here are a few terrible superhero costumes that can teach us all a valuable lesson. 1. The Falcon The Falcon, Captain America’s sidekick, currently has a costume that fits the superhero universe just fine. However, Falcon’s earlier costume was entirely spandex, that exposed both his chest and his entire arms. This revealing outfit is made even more hilarious by the The Moral: Never wear a... There’s No Humor In Identity Theft By : Elizabeth Newberry We’ve all seen those credit card commercials on television advertising ways to keep your identity safe. They involve innocent victims of identity theft talking in the voices of the criminals who stole their identities. One includes a couple of old ladies sitting on a sofa surrounded by gaudy decorations involving flowers and doilies. While this doesn’t sound so unusual, the ladies are speaking in the voices of two men who have stolen their credit cards, and possibly their ide... A Condom By Any Other Name By : Lilith Mill Condoms, jimmies, rubbers…you might think you’ve heard them all. Condoms are one of the world’s most common prophylactics. Here are 5 things that you might not otherwise know about condoms and their names. 1. English Nicknames One of the most known nicknames for condom is rubber. However, if you go to a convenience store in Australia or New Zealand and ask for a rubber, you will be handed an eraser. This could make for awkward moments for Kiwis or Aussies traveling abro... The Elements Of A Good Funny Video By : John Fair The internet has recently bloomed with a number of places to post your funny video, creative video, or other clever home made bit of cinematography. Sites such as You Tube and Google Videos are central exchanges of funny videos and other popular video types, and there are also a number of other special purpose funny video sites that specialize in the funny video genre. The act of creating a funny video is not as simple as thinking of a few jokes or funny situations and then g... The Invention Of The Sky, Second Half Of Part Four, The Invention Of Everything, An Eyewitness Account By : Tom Attea “I dunno. If I did, I’d be in tech.” “Heat.” “Oh, right. We don’t want the team to be cold, at least, not all the time.” “No way. They’d be miserable.” “And we don’t want that.” “So we need light and heat.” “How do we manage that?” “We’re thinking of overheads.” “Overhead lighting?” “Yeah. Also, heating.” “All that, hanging up there? I don’t know. This sky is starting to sound kind of busy to me.” “That’s because you’re not seeing it the way w... Nobel Prizes Awarded; Alfred Nobel Excluded By : Tom Attea As the world indulges in another reverent obeisance to the Nobel Prize and its genuinely laudable recipients, we should take a moment to observe that Alfred Nobel has been excluded. What? Have you noticed that the prizes in science go with reliable regularity to very deserving academic researchers but, as W. S. Gilbert would say, ‘Never," "What never?" "Well, hardly ever!" to an independent inventor. Far be it from us to protest the wonderfully groundbreaking academic r... New Book About End Of Life On Earth; Skips Beginning Of It By : Tom Attea Yet another bleak new book about the end of life on the earth has emerged from the darkling presses, Cormac McCarthy’s The Road. Unnfortunately, the author skips something that has not yet occurred: the beginning of life on earth. In the book, a father and son, who are survivors of a nuclear apocalypse, walk amid the ruins of what once was supposed to be life on earth, while other marauding survivors drift by in neo-primitive regalia, practicing such unappetizing indulgenc... Bush Claims Approval Rating At All Time High; His Wife Told Him By : Tom Attea Why is President Bush unconcerned about his approval rating, which has now sunk to 33%? He’s certain it’s at an all-time high. How does he know? He asked his ever-faithful wife. For instance, here is the transcript of a discussion with the reliable spouse that was leaked to the press by their ever-attentive dog. “Laura, I’m feeling a little down today.” “Why, George?” “I guess the mood just goes with how I’m feeling about my approval rating.” “What approval ... What Is Islamic Behavior? Generally, How Islamic People Behave By : Tom Attea We’re going to attempt what, until now, seems undoable for an infidel: write about Islamic behavior in a way that doesn’t upset Muslims or anybody else. Is that a challenge or isn’t it? Not really. All it takes, we think with persistent resistance to despair, is unwavering fairness, inarguable logic, and adherence to the truth as best as we can know and endorse it. So here goes. These days, we hear a great deal about what Islamic and un-Islamic behavior is. While it’s a... World Chess Championship Literally Goes Down The Toilet By : Tom Attea Sometimes the cartoon world, at least as reflected in the colorful pictures and captions of mass media, gets so bonkers that a real-world headline would be right at home in a humor magazine. Take the ludicrous bauble that prompted this article. It appeared in no less a distinguished place than the front page of The New York Times on the Web: "Bathroom Dispute Halts Chess Championship." We could have gone with that. No doubt about it. But we prefer to see the everyday za... Very Clever Mozart: For Not Having Mohammed’s Head In The Original Production Of Idomeneo By : Tom Attea As all the world now knows, Berlin’s Deutsche Oper closed a production of Mozart’s perennially harmless opera Idomeneo, because of “incalculable risk” due to a threat from a Muslim group or individual over the director’s decision to include a scene in which the heads of Mohammed, Jesus, and Budda are presented without their accompanying bodies. The heady scene is reportedly an effort on the part of the director to mix opera with his own anti-religious sentiments. While ... Poll In Iraq Proves It’s Hard To Be Grateful When You’re Being Blown Up By : Tom Attea One would think that the number of American lives that have been sacrificed or maimed and the enormity of American treasure that has been expended in Iraq would elicit some degree of gratitude among Iraqis. But a new poll, which was done for the University of Maryland's Program on International Policy Attitudes, proves that it’s hard to be grateful when you could be blown up or otherwise assassinated at any moment. Here are a few absences of gratitude that the Bush adminis... Senate Approves New Legislation Aimed At Interrogating Itself By : Tom Attea The Senate, immediately after voting to approve legislation governing the interrogation and overall treatment of terrorism suspects, voted on new legislation that would compel it to interrogate itself about why nearly every member’s speechifying has been directed, not so much at the nation’s problems, but at the November voter. The body very politic had good cause to approve the controversial legislation. While a dozen Democrats crossed party lines to support the legislati... Smart People Say Stupid Things Too! By : Gabriel Adams Have you ever made a comment that was simply ridiculous, but you didn’t realize it until you saw the smiles on your friends faces? You may have been totally mortified afterwards, but the truth is everyone makes comments like that; even the smartest people in the world make dumb comments too. The best part is: the smarter they are, the harder you laugh. My friend Jessie recently graduated from MIT and headed off to Princeton to get her PhD. A month after she moved in, she c... The Invention Of Land; An Eyewitness Account, Second Half - Part Two Of The Invention Of Everything By : Tom Attea "Always metaphysical. Can we just stay with the practical stuff for now?" "Sure. Just thought I'd bring it up." "Anybody got a name suggestion?" "Well, since the whole thing is so sudden it could all kind of go bang." "Sounds reasonable. So we call it a 'bang.'" "You mean, 'The Bang.'" "Right." "That’s it? Something this big?" "OK, OK, how about 'The Big Bang'?" "Very workable. But I don’t know if it captures the romance of it all." "Only a scien... Noam Chomsky Gets A Bestseller The Incriminating Way By : Tom Attea Noam Chomsky, the innovative linguist on the left, went from the relatively placid life of a leading scholar to a major presentation by Hugo Chavez at the UN, who held up as recommended reading one of his many books, with the hefty title, “Hegemony or Survival: America’s Quest for Global Dominance.” Apparently, Chavez has as much influence as Oprah. The book, though published in 2003, shot to the bottom of the NY Times Bestseller List – ten out of a possible ten, but still... Chavez Bedevils Pres; Rangel To The Rescue By : Tom Attea At least, Washington can agree to come together to defend one of its own. The politcos did just that in response to Hugo Chavez calling President Bush “the devil” in a speech at the United Nations. Commendably, Representative Charles Rangel, a New York Democrat no less, came forward fittingly irate to say, “I want President Chavez to please understand that even though many people in the United States are critical of our president, that we resent the fact that he would come... Iranian Woman Is First Female Space Tourist; Agrees To Wear Spacesuit By : Tom Attea Just when we thought all Iranian women were contentedly hiding behind their veils, what do we read but one not only made it to America but just made it into space? The daring and successful Anousheh Ansari, who grew up in Iran dreaming, not of memorizing the Koran as a safe substitute for original thought, but of space, has become the first female space tourist. She blasted off from Kazakhstan in a Soyuz rocket with astronaut Michael Lopez-Alegria of NASA and cosmonaut ... Bin Laden Dead Or Alive? Since Nobody's Sure, We Wrote Both Articles. By : Tom Attea Bin Laden Dead Osama Bin Laden is dead. We know this for certain, because, after five years of knowing only that he had access to a tape recorder, we were bound to know at least one thing about him that is certain. We’re also as aware as we care to be that there have been previous rumors of his death. But, as we all know, when you want something to happen, at least three or four rumors seem required before one is actually true. So how do we know this one is the re... What If The Most Powerful Nation On Earth Was Iran? By : Tom Attea Is everybody happy with the way the US is behaving as the world’s most powerful nation? No? Well, when has everybody ever been happy about anything? So let’s think about what other nations might do a better job. What if Russia had won the cold war? How much do you really enjoy vodka? And do you long to drive a Zil? How about if China hadn’t decided that military conquest would be too self-destructive and opted to give economic conquest a go? Wish you could dress like Ch... The Invention Of Sex; An Eyewitness Account - Second Half Of Part One, "the Invention Of Everything" By : Tom Attea (Suggestion: Read The First Half of Part One First) “What?” “Brush burns.” “What do you mean?” “What are we making the skin out of, vinyl?” “You’re right. Hey, I have it.” “What?” “We take an idea right off the top of their heads.” “What’s that?” “Hair. We put some hair down there, sort of like a cushion.” “Long hair like they have on their heads? That might complicate things.” “I have it. What if we make a special kind of short, fuzzy hair? F... The Invention Of Sex; An Eyewitness Account - First Half Of Part One, "The Invention Of Everything" By : Tom Attea An unexpected manuscript showed up in our inbox. We were immediately convinced of its authenticity and decided we had to share it with you. It was accompanied by the following note: “Hi, there. How’s life working out? Who am I? That’s for me to know and for you to guess. Let me just say that I witnessed the invention of everything. And I kept good meeting notes. "I wanted every planet to come with an instruction manual, but my suggestion was a nonstarter. I decided the ... Lady Macbeth Just Won’t Make Her Exit; Now She’s A Syndrome By : Tom Attea Anybody who has wended his or her way through the linguistic excellences and frequently petulant schemers in Shakespeare’s plays longs, at some point, to say to Lady Macbeth herself, “Out, out, damned spot!” After all, how much can anyone take of such a relentlessly scheming prod to the plot of Duncan’s uninvited demise and Macbeth’s unmotivated remorse. Perhaps Macbeth’s own murderously ambitious temperament can be traced to having to live with such a harridan. At any rat... U. S. May Become Nonaligned Nation; Cites Worldwide Ingratitude By : Tom Attea In case you haven’t heard, there is a brash new movement afoot to make America a nonaligned nation. The principal motivation behind the movement is worldwide ingratitude for the sacrifices America has made for the benefit of other nations, while getting back precious little in return, materially or even in simple gratitude. Certainly, the group maintains, the payback in either form has hardly been commensurate with the sacrifices America has made in life and treasure. The ... Israel Weighs Recognition Of Palestine’s Right To Exist By : Tom Attea After decades of refusing to admit that Palestine has a legitimate right to exist, Israel inched toward possible approval of the idea it has opposed as part of its militantly anti-Palestine platform. Palestinians, who have by now grown used to the belief that they are the ones who get to decide which state has a right to exist, were bewildered by the surprise announcement. They also puzzled over whether it meant that they really ought to acknowledge Israel's right to exist. ... Quick Question: Does God Advocate Murder? By : Tom Attea It appears, scandalously enough, to be the question Islamic terrorism foists on us. Of course, there are times when a chancy question can diplomatically be allowed to slip by unanswered, especially by a humor magazine. But there are also times when, instead of slipping by, it just keeps putting itself in your face. On such occasions, apparently, the only way to deal with it for ourselves and our readers is to address it. We became even more convinced of the necessity as we... Oui, Monsieur, The French Are Not Immune; Si, Signore, Even The Pope Must Do The Rope A Dope By : Tom Attea In a world caught up in effects, with scant attention being paid to causes, we find that France – which has, in the understatement of the current issue, abstained from a full-throttle commitment to the war on terror – has gotten its terrorist wakeup call. Al-Qaeda announced it had formed a union with Algerian insurgents who consider France their enemy. The deadly duo have agreed to work together against French and, you guessed it, American interests. Naturally, the terrori... Senate Wonders If New Kind Of Warfare Requires New Rules; Forgets How Colonists Picked Off Redcoats By : Tom Attea The Senate is debating whether or not guys who go by the rules of the Geneva Convention can defeat guys who torture people and shoot them in the back of the head. Even Colin Powell jumped in and said he thinks we should adhere to the Geneva Conventions in order to protect the safety of our own troops, as if the terrorists are likely to observe the rules if they get their hands on our troops. George Bush, on the other hand, thinks the Geneva Conventions ought to be as malle... Western Leaders Release Video; Urge Muslims To Convert By : Tom Attea The leaders of six Western nations whose inhabitants have, at least in the distant past, experienced the redemptive insights of the Enlightenment, with its insistence that reason should play a foundational role in human thought and that an idea like Condorcet’s “perpetual peace and progress” might be more than a pleasant alliteration, finally grew weary of the interminable train of vitriolic videos out of the insane mind of Aman Al-Zawahiri, the Egyptian pediatrician turned c... Kofi Annan, The Middle East Repairman; Can His Handiwork Keep The Peace? By : Tom Attea Secretary-General Kofi Annan sped to the Middle East with his UN emergency repair kit to do maintenance work on the quick fix the UN implemented between Israel and Hezbollah. Only trouble is, his traveling handiwork doesn’t seem as much like the permanent fix as all the world would like to count on. Even while he was cobbling the warring factions together, his work looked more like duct tape that could unravel as quick as a speeding bullet. For instance, the dutiful diplom... Tony Blair To Resign As British Pm; May Run For Us Vice President By : Tom Attea Tony Blair announced that he will step down as Prime Minister of England within a year and give up leadership of the Labor Party, which has been increasingly upset with his performance and approval ratings. What Mr. Blair did not announce is that he is just plain fed up with not being properly appreciated by his own party and nation, and he has conducted a secret poll of his popularity in the US. Dismayed, he discovered that his approval rating is higher than President Bus... What? An Iranian With A Good Thought In His Cranium? By : Tom Attea What do you know? There’s at least one Iranian who still has a good thought in his cranium? It appears that Mohmmad Khatami, the mullahland’s former Pres is just such a resilient and commendable gentleman. During his two-week trip to the USA – interestingly, the mullahs behind the rascally current President allowed his visit and, not only that, our security personnel let him in – he wisely acknowledged, “In the crime of 9/11, two crimes were committed. One was killing inno... Aye, Capt’n Bush, 'Tis Not Only The Storm But The Navigation By : Tom Attea “What a night to be at sea!” shouted brave Captain Bush into the rain-slashed, wind-whipped Middle Easter that had suddenly come upon The Good Ship USA. “Yar, yar, ya got that right, Cap’n,” returned his faithful and once jocund first mate, Rummy, now hunkered down as he, too, braved the ceaseless wrath of the oncoming tempest. Just then yet another mountain-size wave, black as the turban of a radical Muslim cleric, upturned and dumped its chilling contents on the creak... Exploring Comedy Groups By : Lanny Hintz Are you looking for a comedy group that offers something for almost anyone then enjoy! 1. A funny, improvisational show that is played out as a sport is called ComedySportz. Entertain business associates, your family and even church groups at a show such as this. 2. Two teams make up games, scenes and songs on the spot to gain points, as well as, laughs. There are referees to call fouls and the National Anthem is sung before each game. The audience votes for their favor... The Clever Florida Manitee Plays Dumb While Being As Smart Or Smarter Than Dolphins By : Tom Attea The Florida manatee has fooled us all for ages. We thought it was as slow to cogitate as its “sweet potato” body is to move. Never did the clever "sea cow" let on that it’s actually as brainy as, or perhaps even brainier than, a somersaulting dolphin. But now its lethargic disguise has been penetrated, thanks to the researches of a neuroscientist at the University of Florida. Roger L. Reep, who, along with a small group of other researchers, has discovered that trichechus ... Playwrights Give Critic Bad Review By : Tom Attea Members of The Dramatists Guild of America, the organization of playwrights, of which I have been an active member for many years, was in an unusually feisty mood in a review they let howl at a theater critic in the Windy City. What was the occasion of the lambasting? A long-time critic for The Chicago Sun-Times reviewed some musicals that were works in progress at Theater Building Chicago, a venue that has been attempting to nourish the struggling art form for many years.... Iranian Kook Rejects Nuke Rebuke, Despite Fluke By : Tom Attea The combative president of Iran continued to reject a resolution by Western nations that his nation stop its development of the atomic bomb for peaceful purposes, even though, through some fluke, inspectors from The International Atomic Energy Agency discovered new traces of highly enriched uranium at the bully mullah nation’s leading nuclear bomb factory. They also discovered traces of the potentially explosive material as the result of two previous flukes. But the curren... Bigamist Begs For Life Imprisonment;seeks Escape From 40 Wives By : Tom Attea As you have no doubt read, the country’s leading bigamist – distinguished title, eh? – was arrested in Las Vegas during a routine traffic stop. He had made it to the number one spot on the FBI’s list of top ten hits for marrying underage women to devout gentleman significantly older than themselves. The much marrying minister, Warren Steed Jeffs, is the proud leader of a throwback known as the Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. It’s 10,000 or so me... Bin Laden’s Garden Of Earthly Frights By : Tom Attea What does a resourceful malefactor do when nearly all of the world is searching for him and he has nothing more urgent to do than hide out? Why, what else? He takes up gardening. At least, plants and vegetables can’t reveal his whereabouts. They’re also unlikely to be covert members of the CIA. And so we join Osama Bin Laden, as he tends the little plot of earth he can call his own, at least, until he is sent off to an unexpectedly sudden meeting with his Allah. Into th... Hezbollah And Hamas Regret Self-destructive Behavior; Plan To Build Own Wailing Wall By : Tom Attea Leading deadly duffers of Hezbollah and Hamas have finally surveyed the damage that their misjudgment has inflicted on their own people, perhaps partly out of fear that these long-suffering victims might decide to terrorize them. As a result of the self-imposed reality therapy, leaders of both organizations have expressed their regrets. In fact, all the better to wail, they have vowed to build their own Wailing Wall. The source of materials for the project will be the p... New Work List For The Human Race; Given Our Current Work Habits, We Sure Could Use One By : Tom Attea Wouldn’t it be revelatory if a helpful hand would came out of the clouds and give the human race a new work list? Given our present doings, we sure could use one. But, since the hand does not seem to be forthcoming, we decided to take the hint and do our best to help develop one. To get the new work list started, we present the following recap of our current work list and then our suggestions for inclusion in a new work list. First, let’s review the regrettable list hum... Cruise Takes A Bruise By : Tom Attea Viacom gave Tom Cruise the bruise of his career – or, more exactly, its cantankerous chairman, Sumner Redstone, did, for behavior unbecoming an employee of the entertainment giant, saying Cruise’s shenanigans are “not acceptable to Paramount.” Redstone’s punch to the career launched an entire boxing match of bruising comments. Mr. Cruise’s attorney shot back in un-lawyerly fashion, calling his comments “disgusting” and saying “he’s lost it completely or he’s been given ... About Time: Somali Woman Flogs Islamic Leader By : Tom Attea An Islamic woman in Mogadishu finally did it: she inflicted eleven lashes on an Islamic leader for threatening to flog her for selling cannabis. To justify the intended flogging of the woman before she turned on the male who had ordered it, the rulers pointed to a passage in the Koran that forbids the sale of all drugs except aspirin and antacids. He was the fist male to receive such punishment at the hands of a woman since the fundamentalist rulers seized control of th... If Embryos Could Talk By : Tom Attea An embryo was relaxing when a female clinician approached the little glass dish in which it was defrosting after a long time in the freezer. The embryo noticed her approach and exclaimed, “Whoopee, do I get implanted now? I can’t wait to grow up and become a real person!” “No such luck,” the researcher told the embryo. “What do you mean? I’ve been in cold storage for months, and now you’re telling me I don’t get to move up to becoming a baby?” “I’m sorry,” the lad... Iran Provides “Multifaceted Response” To Un: Launches Ten Missiles By : Tom Attea Iran provided its long-promised “multi-faceted” response to the proposal by Western nations that the mullahdom stop enriching uranium. A day or so before it presented its written response, the obstreperous nation conducted war games during which ten highly photographed missiles were fired in a generally westerly direction. Of course, the West had hoped for a more obliging answer, particularly since the proposal contains an attractive package of bribes, diplomatically refer... Ok, The House Is On Fire. Which One Do You Save First -- The Baby, The Old Testament, The New Testament, Or The Koran? By : Tom Attea Do you save one of the books of holy writ or the helpless babe? Be fair. You can only save one. No time for two. The flames are at your fanny. Yes, there's some chance you can go back for a second rescue attempt, but right now the hope is too risky to influence your decision. Let’s say you pick one of the books. What will the people, who happen to see your choice through a flame-fraught window, think of you? And, as you rush out of the incinerating house and the baby go... Demagoguery For Dummies: How To Convince People You’re A Saint, Despite Explosive Evidence To The Contrary By : Tom Attea How can a demagogue who boasts of kidnapping and killing and whose woeful misjudgment has reined down death and destruction on his own country be hailed as a saint? Is this demagoguery for dummies or what? How can the Lebanese people, proud descendants of the Phoenicians – first to trade widely on the Mediterranean and resourceful developers of our Arabic numerals – be completely duped by this inept practitioner of argumentum ad populum. The hobgoblin has hijacked their... Time For America To Bring Down The Curtain On The Ballet Frankenstein By : Tom Attea It’s time for the USA to resolve, once and for, to bring down the curtain on international conduct so clumsy it can be seen, not as dexterous, but as the ballet Frankenstein. Time to remember that ninety-nine percent of our practically usable power comes out of the barrel of a cash machine, so we concentrate on being the economic superpower we know how to be, not the military superpower we aren’t ruthless enough to be. Time to let the mad world go its self-punishing way... Depressed Rabbit Attempts Suicide By : Tom Attea A male rabbit named Furball had lost all hope. The female rabbit he had lived with for an entire year had left him for another rabbit. The owner of the garden he usually dined at had just put a fence around it. A fox had nipped one of his ears. And, at his most depressed, it seemed to him that all life is mere ephemera in the eye of time. The only thing to do was bring an end to his sorrow, hunger, pain, and inability to find meaning even in a moment. He would take his own...
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